Clippy the Microsoft Office Assistant
Appears to me in a Dream
Alana Mohamed
Hi there. It looks like you're bashing your head against a brick wall repeatedly. Would you like help?
If your head is starting to hurt, you could pad the wall with something soft, like a pillow, or you could take frequent breaks. You could slow down or not hit your head as much. You could stop hitting your head altogether.
If you want your head to hurt more, you should fling it back further to build momentum, then bring it crashing down on the wall. Imagine a target in the middle of your head and aim for a bull’s eye. Imagine the wall is in love with your forehead and would stop at nothing to have it. Visualizing impact is the key to success.
If you want your head to hurt more, but your head is too addled for visualization, try a running start.
If you’re hitting your head against a brick wall to make some kind of statement, you should record yourself and play it repeatedly for people, in case they missed it the first time. Maybe you could start a YouTube account. Make sure your account name is straight forward. “The Girl That Hits Her Head Against a Brick Wall,” “Brick Wall Head Hitting Girl,” “Girl Meets Brick Wall,” etc. It’s important to develop an identity and grow an audience. Post frequently, use hashtags and trending sounds. You could buy ads, if you felt you could take some time away from hitting your head against a wall, but you don’t need to. Consistency is the key and it is a skill you have clearly perfected.
If you’re trying to get to know the wall better, you should ask it for its name first. Take it out to coffee or for an activity—bar dates are for one night stands only. Try being vulnerable or opening up a little. Say, “When you refuse to move, it makes me feel hurt, ignored, and abandoned.”
If you’d like to build community with the wall, stop the violence. Try a trust fall.
If you’re hitting your head against a wall as an act of rebellion, don’t do that. The brick wall likes it. Don’t give it the satisfaction.
It’s much more rebellious to paint it a beautiful color and fall in love with it. Paint it yellow and make it your yoga corner. Paint it red and make it a dance studio. Paint it a minty green and lay a beanie bag next to it so that you can cuddle up and read together. It’s important to establish a ritual with the wall, to meet it where it is. Develop a bond. Encourage it to come out of its shell. Introduce it to friends and family. Stand by it even when they criticize its intimidating silence and obsession with brute strength. Shower it with praise, you want it to come out of its shell. You want a crack to form in the sunshine yellow/crimson red/minty green you had spent hours going over.
And then you will strip it of everything you gave it, slowly. Peel back the layers of paint, day by day, so at first it doesn’t notice that anything’s amiss. When it starts to feel naked, imply that it’s the wall’s fault, it must have been doing something weird. Pick away at it gently with a chisel. Sweep up the dust and capture it in tiny jars that you will place around the city for the wildlife to terrorize. Expose it to the elements. Carve your face into its visage. Now you have rebelled.
If you want to destroy the wall once and for all, you will need a wrecking ball, a broom, and at least one friend.
Good luck!
If your head is starting to hurt, you could pad the wall with something soft, like a pillow, or you could take frequent breaks. You could slow down or not hit your head as much. You could stop hitting your head altogether.
If you want your head to hurt more, you should fling it back further to build momentum, then bring it crashing down on the wall. Imagine a target in the middle of your head and aim for a bull’s eye. Imagine the wall is in love with your forehead and would stop at nothing to have it. Visualizing impact is the key to success.
If you want your head to hurt more, but your head is too addled for visualization, try a running start.
If you’re hitting your head against a brick wall to make some kind of statement, you should record yourself and play it repeatedly for people, in case they missed it the first time. Maybe you could start a YouTube account. Make sure your account name is straight forward. “The Girl That Hits Her Head Against a Brick Wall,” “Brick Wall Head Hitting Girl,” “Girl Meets Brick Wall,” etc. It’s important to develop an identity and grow an audience. Post frequently, use hashtags and trending sounds. You could buy ads, if you felt you could take some time away from hitting your head against a wall, but you don’t need to. Consistency is the key and it is a skill you have clearly perfected.
If you’re trying to get to know the wall better, you should ask it for its name first. Take it out to coffee or for an activity—bar dates are for one night stands only. Try being vulnerable or opening up a little. Say, “When you refuse to move, it makes me feel hurt, ignored, and abandoned.”
If you’d like to build community with the wall, stop the violence. Try a trust fall.
If you’re hitting your head against a wall as an act of rebellion, don’t do that. The brick wall likes it. Don’t give it the satisfaction.
It’s much more rebellious to paint it a beautiful color and fall in love with it. Paint it yellow and make it your yoga corner. Paint it red and make it a dance studio. Paint it a minty green and lay a beanie bag next to it so that you can cuddle up and read together. It’s important to establish a ritual with the wall, to meet it where it is. Develop a bond. Encourage it to come out of its shell. Introduce it to friends and family. Stand by it even when they criticize its intimidating silence and obsession with brute strength. Shower it with praise, you want it to come out of its shell. You want a crack to form in the sunshine yellow/crimson red/minty green you had spent hours going over.
And then you will strip it of everything you gave it, slowly. Peel back the layers of paint, day by day, so at first it doesn’t notice that anything’s amiss. When it starts to feel naked, imply that it’s the wall’s fault, it must have been doing something weird. Pick away at it gently with a chisel. Sweep up the dust and capture it in tiny jars that you will place around the city for the wildlife to terrorize. Expose it to the elements. Carve your face into its visage. Now you have rebelled.
If you want to destroy the wall once and for all, you will need a wrecking ball, a broom, and at least one friend.
Good luck!
Alana Mohamed is a writer and librarian from Queens, NY.